The first real thing

We slept upside down in your bed,
Held wars over heat, and used each other as blankets
Knowing we could only wrap ourselves up in each other for so long
before the alarm would ring,
Before classes started, patients waiting,
social engagements rang, and rang again.
If we could have found a fort to stay in
away from the satisfaction of busy,
Would you still taste me now,
Would I still be the last thing on your tongue
when mentioning how you are
How are you?
Are you happy?
Do you know you taught me what ‘gay’ means?
My best friend apologized,
For not being there through this heartbreak
I told her this is not heartbreak
My heart is still whole,
And it is still hers,
It just needs to be given and received
in a different capacity
My capacity to love you amazes me.
And I hope we always have the tools
to manage the love we need
I hope I always know what that looks like
I hope my friendship holds your worries
as the lover in me held your hips
I hope you think of me, and it doesn’t hurt.
I hope you phone at inappropriate hours if you need to
And appropriate hours when you don’t need to.
I hope the future looks something like honest
Like there is this piece of me over there,
sometimes I make sure to polish it,
Don’t let your vulnerability rust
Don’t let trust evade us.
Maybe jumping off of mountains will show us
The thrill of having faith
Even if that faith is not in what we started with.
I want to free fall
And be ok with not landing where you do
Love is something like a commitment to yourself
to always know where you are when you are lost.
I spent my life in back alleys,
thinking them pathways to adventure,
But woke up in a dense forest-
your name in my palm
Your cheek against mine
My promise to you growing taller.
This is a tall order - And I intend to fill it.
I know that our best is all we have
I know not to apologize for what I need.
I know I want to give you what you need.
So I am glad
I am glad we know ourselves
I am glad we know eachother
I am glad you know yourself.
I am glad your kitchen table will hold my dedication
And our homes will remain this far apart,
That we spent nights dancing, and will continue to do so
That I trust you enough, to feel safe,
To be happy with this.
I don’t need to kiss you,
to wish you well.
I love you,
and I wish you well.
Be well.

Perspective

Found wandering the back alley like doorstep vagabond
this man's thoughts are familiar
Why are you here? (why are you here)
(humming)
''How many times have I seen
the rise and fall of the skyline,
a broken ecg of this city.''
Can’t say I ever expected this,
the hiss of street vents,
my memory’s gone foggy,
bending sleep by daylight.
i know the cold of a new yorkers face
at midnight.
I’ve been waiting for things to change
for longer than my hands
have held the promise of asking.
(humming)
We're back to this woman,
she keeps saying
Hush hush its warm here,
emptiness sounds peaceful when its broken
This house has heard the fire place
die every night for ages
Sweltering fingertips,
I can’t bring myself to leave it.
Alone
I know someone who needs a home
more than I do
Feel selfish for not being grateful,
the snow outside is teasing me
i thinks its time i go for a walk
let the sharp air shake me up
i need to wake up,
oooh, its cold out here.
(humming)
now back to this man's thoughts
the street signs wont lead me to where i want to be
torn map, moist gloves,
the park has seen smiles
warmer than mine has been in ages.
i need to warm up
i need to warm up.
There they are.
There they are...
back to this woman she keeps saying
ooh, its cold,
its strange, how its beautiful
these children keep playing,
this bench, is inhabited.
i wonder, were i to live here
this man, smells of perspiration,
attempt, and beer.
i wonder if he sees the children.
oooh, its cold out here,
and back to this man's thoughts
There they are, thinking that snow balls are magic
that their mothers are perfect
there they are and this woman next to me
she looks like desire and heartache
wouldnt want to be,
this woman next to me
looks like desire and heartache
these children are beautiful
the woman keeps saying
these children are beautiful
this man keeps thinking
these children are beautiful
it is so cold in the winter,
she keeps saying
these children, are beautiful.

Those children look
like they don’t know how cold the snow is.

Lace

The city started
to taste like sleepless nights,
My eyes wandered over
expecting a hip to distract me,
But it didn’t.
I wondered if you ever get vertigo,
If you ever almost wake up screaming,
but decide that would be inappropriate.
Life has handed me
some funny things lately
But none of them
are as pleasant as the way she tastes
The way she aches from too much work
that’s too easy to put off
Ive been off sorting some things out
And I decided, its not gray.
Its just black and white at the same time.
I spend too much time watching.
I need to stop assuming people know of my meories.
Lover,
Fuck you are gorgeous
Lover, let me ksis your spine
let it lead me to the lace I didn’t expect to find,
Lover, tis true that this, in a way, is new to me,
But its been a long time coming
Lover,
Your fingers rival your determination
Im afraid of how much you could do
And maybe im in over my head far too soon
But I feel like ive been waiting
for a woman like you.
Like life threw me a bone
because I had figured out what I needed
Just not the shape it would come in.
I haven’t experienced vertigo lately
Sleep sound as a baby,
Granted never for too long…
Clench my sheets the few nights you aren’t there and
Actually feel like they’re good enough.
Ive come to love the way this city tastes.

pins & needles

There’s something beautiful
in knowing we all dream -
Knowing there is no
unreasonable expectation
that isn’t shared by someone;
By millions upon millions of people, in fact.
I know I haven’t always been easy
but I can tell you I’ve never stopped myself from loving.
And if that’s the only thing I’ve done right, I can live with that.
How often do you think about everything we’ve been through?
How often do you need to remind yourself
of the lessons along the way
until you feel like you’ve truly learnt them?
Because ive watched too many people torture themselves ,
telling themselves
they’ve made the same mistake again
when it’s not true
Its not true at all
Forgive me for a moment,
and allow me to use an extraordinary cliché,
‘’a mistake is only a mistake
if it is miss taken’’
and even at that each mistake is a new one,
and is really no mistake at all –
its just another chance to grow,
to feel,
to experience a little piece of yourself
that until that moment
had been hidden from daylight,
filling the corners of your being with cobwebs
and the dust you eventually allow other fingers to draw in-
write their names on-
leave you messages and drawing that look like childhood doodles-
(just know they are much more intentional than that.
And that it is time to do a spring cleaning.)

Dusting the attic won’t mean disturbing its peace,
it means making room
for the new beautiful things to run through it-
it means turning it into a living room
that you aren’t afraid to touch and walk through
and invite your guest to sip tea and sometimes gin,
and always leave crumbs behind –
you’ll remember the fun it was to make them
when you are tidying up again.
Its amazing – when that attic is clear of its current clutter
How much more room you will have-
I feel like we are all too full right now,
Like we wont allow ourselves to take more in because of it-
Tell me about those you have loved,
tell me about the places you have seen
and the things that have made you feel alive.
I want to watch pins and needles
carry tides of recognition through your body-
bringing you back to life
and bursting with the promises of new feeling(s)-
I want to watch the tingling sensation rise through your heart
and turn into those stars I see in your eyes
on the morning s that follow deep sleeps and heartache –
simply because you woke up again,
and today is a new day.

Changing

It feels like rain today
Like heavy handed, soft spoken
Like- please wash over me-
It feel like the clouds caught last night’s candles and blew then out-
Hot wax covering us all in attempt to keep these moments intact
-When summer hits, I want to sit in a fruit tree all day
-Read novels and pretend I am both writing and in them at the same time,
let this world fall away.
-I want to be able to say- I was here once, but I don’t really need to remember it
-This trunk will do that for me….
-This old wood isn’t nearly easy enough to find, easy enough to hide in anymore
I am still a summer child,
and when the sun disappears and water graces us with its presence,
I am relieved. Relieved that I don’t have to keep pretending I live in another world
The death of changing colours and these shadows are very real to me….

lighter shades of you

I’ve been painting my bedroom red
since the age of 12,
And given that I move a lot
that sums up to about two dozen times.
Now there are plenty of speculations
about why that may be
or how its affected me,
And the only thing I cant tell you
is that its true.
Its intense, its rich,
living in luxurious tones of bold
has always suited me.

But something changed recently
I got a glimpse of the life I wanted,
and discovered I wasn’t yet the person
that would fit in it

So I changed it
The red
I had clung to for so long,
Now its blue
Im talking about my bedroom
because it’s the room I spend the most time in
Those walls hold the shades I live in,
And have
since even before my heavy crimson trend

But I didn’t paint it blue
to remind me of you,
Im not quite that much of a masochist
I was just hoping
that living in lighter shades
Would someday lead me
to being light enough myself
for the things you showed me I want
I could give you a thousand reasons
why blue was never the right colour .
I didn’t want open sky,
that’s too exposed
I wanted the closed comfort
of a colour that is inside me
That knows me -
But that’s the old me
(hopefully)
Well, at least if this whole colour thing works.

notes on life

I had never seen a face that fell into a smile

i was confused because i knew the things you told me
from the begining - and was aware of them all along
i just didnt think they mattered

i wonder if you will ever find out
that you left a part of yourself with me


i am the center of a family
that has yet to form around me.
i believe that i will be loved
as i know to love
-wholly- and unconditionally-