notes on life

I had never seen a face that fell into a smile

i was confused because i knew the things you told me
from the begining - and was aware of them all along
i just didnt think they mattered

i wonder if you will ever find out
that you left a part of yourself with me


i am the center of a family
that has yet to form around me.
i believe that i will be loved
as i know to love
-wholly- and unconditionally-

im listening

Im trying hard not to write another love story
there are just too many
everyone wants to talk about love
i want to write about rapture
about how your heart was a beautiful woman
and you dont miss her.
when you feel empty
and organized
you forget if you have black or blue eyes
because sidewalks and concrete
are more familiar than mountain tops and sea walks.

I often write about the weight of other things
but i rarely get around
to telling you about just feeling heavy
of your heart reaching two tons
more than your ribs can take.
this monotonous, droning step carries so many
I know we all hurt
dont tell me you arent angry
i am angry
and i am lonely
but i am not love sick

lets stick to the facts
like what time my alarm rings
and what sings me awake in the morning
- i usually have that song stuck in my head all day-
these are the simple things
because it still stings to talk about anything else
and the way someones arms felt
doesnt concern any of you...
you have your own lovers to miss
and this chapter in my life can be called short and sweet

lets address all the thingswe want to say to strangers on the street
because we are all equally as clueless there
that way what im talking about is clear
and the people that linger near my corner these days
all look like they need to be told to wake up
so wake up
and keep your chin up

we all have love stories
i dont want to know what you think of at night
i want to know what you hear in the morning
when your alarm rings
because i want to know you
i want to tell you
that there are so many people to learn from
and if you cant find five thousand
in seven billion
then youll never know what love is
because you just werent listening.

I loved a man who was a ghost

I loved a man who wasnt mine,
spent days jumping between obligation and habit
-spent nights jumping between obligation and desire.
I loved a man who spoke differently than i did,
a man who never hid
behind the way the line comes out
when you mean it less...
but because of this
i never told him the things that sounded too easy
that sounded too smooth,
-i tried to give you imperfection, hoping you would hold it-
and i wonder if he knew it
but if i said what i had meant to
when you were still looking at me
-and i managed something about a change of scenery-
it would have sounded more like an offer:
to be someone living in the life of another
as though they were familiar,
regardless-
to pretend this friend was someone who's space couldn't be taken up
quite as easily as i'm sure it could be..
replace the lovers you hold in your court
replace the whispers exchanged in public places
and the sensation of falling -
but dont replace the phone call
of excitement, or of sorrow
dont replace the friendship,
dont replace the offer to see you tomorrow
or the next day
or the next day
because i will stay in the role of go to
for as long as you will let me
because i will still go to you....
and if i could, i would tell you:
Don’t cut me out.
Sometimes logic rules us in a way it shouldn’t,
Sometimes we don’t recognize this…
Don’t cut me out
Believe me when I tell you
The best gift I could ever give you,
Is to love you.
Don’t cut me out until the voices you hear through the walls
sound nothing like your own,
and you know you are at peace with your thoughts.
Don’t cut out the part of your life that is foreign
That is lonely
That wants to be home.
Don’t cut me out,
Using shoe string as a telephone wire,
I didn’t quite hear you through all that clarity.
Don’t cut me out,
because the secrets you hid within me
Are still there,
and they may not be allowed to see sunlight,
but they still need to be nurtured.
Don’t cut me out-
There are traces of you everywhere
and without your presence they are like empty ghosts,
their hearts beat but not strong enough to keep them alive-
they haunt my bedroom, my sheets, my radio waves and laundry-
They haunt my bookshelf, my heart and my poetry.
Don’t cut me out
I’ve set my back against a train before,
and even it was easier to keep still-
Even as it pushed me south...
I know what it’s like to fight against the direction you’re from.
Don’t cut me out,
Ill trace your midnight with constellations, just to show you,
Even stars want to be close.
Don’t cut me out,
You’re more familiar with boundaries, borders, and stop signs-
I know I gave you a construction zone with merge signals and green lights…
but don’t cut me out-
I hope you need to know me,
the best thing you’ve ever told me,
is that you grew with these moments spent together.
Don’t cut me out.
I don’t need you to take anything back,
Just let me in…
I don’t need you to be mine,
But I need to be yours…

night turns to day

Her dreams haunt her lately
And like the portrait of a woman that sits still in her mother’s hallway
She waits
And watches them drift by –
hoping her lover wont notice the way her muscles tense
and her eyes fight to squeeze shut and open to safety at the same time
She’s beautiful, but she’s not sure he knows this
not sure he holds more than a fraction of her wholeness
The nightmares
Have stripped awareness
and the differentiation of memory and story
Blackberry cinnamon buns drip down her fingers as she sings him sweet and sticky songs-
Too much sugar he says-
I take my tea clear
And my coffee black
But she knows he cant imagine what hes bargaining for,
Or what she was like before she was sweetened…
These streets hold more than history
They hold the scars that lay hidden between thighs
And the regret carried around like a torn wallet
- All of your worth just seems to keep falling out….

Have you ever seen a dog that’s been beaten so badly
they cower at even the slightest of attention
Affection never comes with promises of comfort
When you’ve been kicked in the stomach
Left bare to the world ---

They spent the days talking about direction
And the nights about sex
‘it seems fitting, doesn’t it?’
The way he could fuck her like a woman who’s morning face would never be seen
But that’s not right
And he only ever had the best of intentions
One day they would look back and say
‘what a shame, that she sent him away before the day could break on their kind of love’
But I’ll tell you one thing
I don’t want to be the woman from the story above
- you’ve given me your arms to fall asleep in
And for right now that’s close enough to love.

shame like this

There is such thing as beautiful shame
I cant stop thinking of her telling me
‘this is an honest shame’
As though in that moment
her truth had felt every callus
on every lover we had had before then.
There are stories here
Laying, unwritten,
on skin that has seen love come and go
Skin that knows the value of what it holds –
I am but a shield, it says
Wrap yourself in me, and i will protect you.
Wrap yourself in me, and i will become you.

There are children waiting by the sea's edge
Their sanbox spans deep and glorious
they are like us,
waiting for blue tides to carry memories further away,
But always back in
Always back in
Always back in.
I have been swimming,
Submerged in honesty
As though to redeem myself
‘Look here, see my weakness before you, and make love to it’
I know its not easy to cherish
But it is here regardless
Your mouth rests gently along my apologies
Swallowing them whole
Telling me in return, that you are not foreign
Telling me in return, not to be ashamed
I have named the breaks and bruises that line me
Their meaning vanishing before you like their sincerity
You can point them all out now,
You know how to touch them so that it doesn’t hurt.
You are beautiful
But the worst part
Is that you are also lovely
Tell me,
Have you felt, shame like this?
I want to make it feel better
Make it feel natural
I want you to be well acquainted,
So that when it reaches you again,
There is no fear there.
Beware only of those who don’t deserve to know of it.
I want to hold your cheeks in my hands
Kiss your open palm
And tell you
I can hold yours,
Because thanks to you - I
don’t feel mine anymore.

A Question

(Know that I will rarely post other poets work)

A voice said, Look me in the stars
And tell me truly, men of earth,
If all the soul-and-body scars
Were not too much to pay for birth.

-Robert Frost-

East of Eden

You argued that the map pointed east
That we had been here before
And it was certainly no treat…
I know, I said.
I know.
I know how rainy Sundays aren’t always soothing
-How your laugh lines can look forced
But the west coast has given us freedom
And I may be the first one to leave
When this city can’t hold you anymore,
But I will always come back.
I will always argue that no smell like the ocean
Can make me feel at ease,
And the people on the streets here
Don’t all look like they are alone/
Our daybreak tilted an hour glass
-I feel the grinding as our time slides out-
-You can feel the friction
As I subtly escape your arms… -
I know,
I know it wasn’t easy when I went east.
So now, I am home
And I am one of those people on the streets,
It’s funny how without you I don’t look as alone
The phone has started ringing on a regular basis again
And I wake up when the sun shines through my window
I feel like the widow to a city that died for me some time ago
Don’t believe all the hype about new York
I’ve been trying to write this piece for months now
Trying to decide
How I could find the words to say
I don’t miss it anymore
That the shore line took me back
Graciously
And for this I will be grateful
There is a man here
whos smile is more honest than any i had ever seen
he is more than part of the scenery...
I am grateful.
Vancouver
you are beautiful….