notes on life

I had never seen a face that fell into a smile

i was confused because i knew the things you told me
from the begining - and was aware of them all along
i just didnt think they mattered

i wonder if you will ever find out
that you left a part of yourself with me


i am the center of a family
that has yet to form around me.
i believe that i will be loved
as i know to love
-wholly- and unconditionally-

im listening

Im trying hard not to write another love story
there are just too many
everyone wants to talk about love
i want to write about rapture
about how your heart was a beautiful woman
and you dont miss her.
when you feel empty
and organized
you forget if you have black or blue eyes
because sidewalks and concrete
are more familiar than mountain tops and sea walks.

I often write about the weight of other things
but i rarely get around
to telling you about just feeling heavy
of your heart reaching two tons
more than your ribs can take.
this monotonous, droning step carries so many
I know we all hurt
dont tell me you arent angry
i am angry
and i am lonely
but i am not love sick

lets stick to the facts
like what time my alarm rings
and what sings me awake in the morning
- i usually have that song stuck in my head all day-
these are the simple things
because it still stings to talk about anything else
and the way someones arms felt
doesnt concern any of you...
you have your own lovers to miss
and this chapter in my life can be called short and sweet

lets address all the thingswe want to say to strangers on the street
because we are all equally as clueless there
that way what im talking about is clear
and the people that linger near my corner these days
all look like they need to be told to wake up
so wake up
and keep your chin up

we all have love stories
i dont want to know what you think of at night
i want to know what you hear in the morning
when your alarm rings
because i want to know you
i want to tell you
that there are so many people to learn from
and if you cant find five thousand
in seven billion
then youll never know what love is
because you just werent listening.

I loved a man who was a ghost

I loved a man who wasnt mine,
spent days jumping between obligation and habit
-spent nights jumping between obligation and desire.
I loved a man who spoke differently than i did,
a man who never hid
behind the way the line comes out
when you mean it less...
but because of this
i never told him the things that sounded too easy
that sounded too smooth,
-i tried to give you imperfection, hoping you would hold it-
and i wonder if he knew it
but if i said what i had meant to
when you were still looking at me
-and i managed something about a change of scenery-
it would have sounded more like an offer:
to be someone living in the life of another
as though they were familiar,
regardless-
to pretend this friend was someone who's space couldn't be taken up
quite as easily as i'm sure it could be..
replace the lovers you hold in your court
replace the whispers exchanged in public places
and the sensation of falling -
but dont replace the phone call
of excitement, or of sorrow
dont replace the friendship,
dont replace the offer to see you tomorrow
or the next day
or the next day
because i will stay in the role of go to
for as long as you will let me
because i will still go to you....
and if i could, i would tell you:
Don’t cut me out.
Sometimes logic rules us in a way it shouldn’t,
Sometimes we don’t recognize this…
Don’t cut me out
Believe me when I tell you
The best gift I could ever give you,
Is to love you.
Don’t cut me out until the voices you hear through the walls
sound nothing like your own,
and you know you are at peace with your thoughts.
Don’t cut out the part of your life that is foreign
That is lonely
That wants to be home.
Don’t cut me out,
Using shoe string as a telephone wire,
I didn’t quite hear you through all that clarity.
Don’t cut me out,
because the secrets you hid within me
Are still there,
and they may not be allowed to see sunlight,
but they still need to be nurtured.
Don’t cut me out-
There are traces of you everywhere
and without your presence they are like empty ghosts,
their hearts beat but not strong enough to keep them alive-
they haunt my bedroom, my sheets, my radio waves and laundry-
They haunt my bookshelf, my heart and my poetry.
Don’t cut me out
I’ve set my back against a train before,
and even it was easier to keep still-
Even as it pushed me south...
I know what it’s like to fight against the direction you’re from.
Don’t cut me out,
Ill trace your midnight with constellations, just to show you,
Even stars want to be close.
Don’t cut me out,
You’re more familiar with boundaries, borders, and stop signs-
I know I gave you a construction zone with merge signals and green lights…
but don’t cut me out-
I hope you need to know me,
the best thing you’ve ever told me,
is that you grew with these moments spent together.
Don’t cut me out.
I don’t need you to take anything back,
Just let me in…
I don’t need you to be mine,
But I need to be yours…