Saturday, September 11, 2010

pins & needles



There’s something beautiful
in knowing we all dream -
Knowing there is no
unreasonable expectation
that isn’t shared by someone;
By millions upon millions of people, in fact.
I know I haven’t always been easy
but I can tell you I’ve never stopped myself from loving.
And if that’s the only thing I’ve done right, I can live with that.
How often do you think about everything we’ve been through?
How often do you need to remind yourself
of the lessons along the way
until you feel like you’ve truly learnt them?
Because ive watched too many people torture themselves ,
telling themselves
they’ve made the same mistake again
when it’s not true
Its not true at all
Forgive me for a moment,
and allow me to use an extraordinary cliché,
‘’a mistake is only a mistake
if it is miss taken’’
and even at that each mistake is a new one,
and is really no mistake at all –
its just another chance to grow,
to feel,
to experience a little piece of yourself
that until that moment
had been hidden from daylight,
filling the corners of your being with cobwebs
and the dust you eventually allow other fingers to draw in-
write their names on-
leave you messages and drawing that look like childhood doodles-
(just know they are much more intentional than that.
And that it is time to do a spring cleaning.)

Dusting the attic won’t mean disturbing its peace,
it means making room
for the new beautiful things to run through it-
it means turning it into a living room
that you aren’t afraid to touch and walk through
and invite your guest to sip tea and sometimes gin,
and always leave crumbs behind –
you’ll remember the fun it was to make them
when you are tidying up again.
Its amazing – when that attic is clear of its current clutter
How much more room you will have-
I feel like we are all too full right now,
Like we wont allow ourselves to take more in because of it-
Tell me about those you have loved,
tell me about the places you have seen
and the things that have made you feel alive.
I want to watch pins and needles
carry tides of recognition through your body-
bringing you back to life
and bursting with the promises of new feeling(s)-
I want to watch the tingling sensation rise through your heart
and turn into those stars I see in your eyes
on the morning s that follow deep sleeps and heartache –
simply because you woke up again,
and today is a new day.

Changing

It feels like rain today
Like heavy handed, soft spoken
Like- please wash over me-
It feel like the clouds caught last night’s candles and blew then out-
Hot wax covering us all in attempt to keep these moments intact
-When summer hits, I want to sit in a fruit tree all day
-Read novels and pretend I am both writing and in them at the same time,
let this world fall away.
-I want to be able to say- I was here once, but I don’t really need to remember it
-This trunk will do that for me….
-This old wood isn’t nearly easy enough to find, easy enough to hide in anymore
I am still a summer child,
and when the sun disappears and water graces us with its presence,
I am relieved. Relieved that I don’t have to keep pretending I live in another world
The death of changing colours and these shadows are very real to me….

lighter shades of you

I’ve been painting my bedroom red
since the age of 12,
And given that I move a lot
that sums up to about two dozen times.
Now there are plenty of speculations
about why that may be
or how its affected me,
And the only thing I cant tell you
is that its true.
Its intense, its rich,
living in luxurious tones of bold
has always suited me.

But something changed recently
I got a glimpse of the life I wanted,
and discovered I wasn’t yet the person
that would fit in it

So I changed it
The red
I had clung to for so long,
Now its blue
Im talking about my bedroom
because it’s the room I spend the most time in
Those walls hold the shades I live in,
And have
since even before my heavy crimson trend

But I didn’t paint it blue
to remind me of you,
Im not quite that much of a masochist
I was just hoping
that living in lighter shades
Would someday lead me
to being light enough myself
for the things you showed me I want
I could give you a thousand reasons
why blue was never the right colour .
I didn’t want open sky,
that’s too exposed
I wanted the closed comfort
of a colour that is inside me
That knows me -
But that’s the old me
(hopefully)
Well, at least if this whole colour thing works.